This Is My Story

A few years ago I read a book called Blue Like Jazz. If you've never read it, you should put it on your reading list right away. It's that good. Now, I have just finished the newest book by the same author, Donald Miller, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years, and I cant stop thinking about it.

He writes about how everyone has a story, their life. But not everyone has a story that's worthy of a book or movie. You have little control, but some things can be changed. You can get a better story if you try.

Some day, God and I will sit and talk about my story. I'll tell him about the time Ivy and I stayed awake all night at Greenbelt lake because the Goatman was going to get us. He will remind me, the Goatman was really just a very loud bullfrog. We will laugh about what a silly little girl I was and how a teenager could be so dramatic. We'll talk about how my children made my heart dance and He will say I did the same for Him.

I will tell God about the night, six months after Lauren died, when I fell on my face and begged him to take it all away. I didn't think I could take the pain and emptiness any longer and I knew He, the God of the universe had the power to change it. He will say He knows. He was there. He was the still small voice saying no, I love you, But no. This is your story.

Ive done so many things wrong in my life. Some were stupid, thoughtless mistakes. Some where pre-meditated sin. All have been forgiven. God has edited them from my story, but He will not give me a re-write. This is where the story arcs. The character, forever changed, has to choose a path. Will she become bitter? Will she die in her sorrow. Or will find her joy again?

I didn't die. Jon and I grew old together and had a wonderful life. I got to see My kids happy with families of their own. And my grandchildren made my heart dance.

None of these things have happened yet, but I know they will. God's promised me my story has a happy ending.

Family Matters

I have been getting into Ancestry.com and it is so cool. I have been able to see actual documents like census forms and such. But the most shocking thing I have found is a copy of my Grandpa Bacon's draft notice from 1917. He must have been 40 years old and had at least 7 kids, so I guess that's why he didn't go.
I saw something that made me kind of sad. It was my dad's name listed on a 1930 census roll and he was listed as step son. My dad's father died a few weeks before he was born. Daddy never knew what it was like to be a fathers son.
I think most people picture God as being a lot like their earthly father. I knew a guy once who was abandoned by his father when he was just a baby. When life got really hard he thought God had left him to suffer alone.
I think maybe this is why my dad has never felt like he belonged. Not to God or a church or even society. He has always been very shy and never liked going to public places, even though people like him instantly. My dad was saved several years ago and even got baptized at the time. No matter what he has never felt a part. It's like he thinks he is a step child of God.
I wish I could find the words to make him understand how much God loves him. I want to tell him he belongs to God and to me and everyone who loves him.

Places In The Heart

I watched one of my favorite movies today, Places In The Heart. I love this movie for so many reasons.

It's set in the 1930's in Texas. It's like looking at my parents old photo albums. The clothes, hair styles, cars and even the houses are so authentic. Also, the pain, suffering and joys are the stories Ive heard all my life.

It's the story of how society viewed it's wounded. A blind man and two fatherless children were a burden. A widow was nothing and a black man was less than nothing. It's how these castoffs lifted each other up to accomplish their goal.

People commit every kind of sin against each other in this movie and yet in the end there is forgiveness. The final scene takes place in church. The pastor reads The "love chapter" from 1st Corinthians 13. The choir sings and they take Communion. They are all there. Young and old, black and white, living and dead, and they all take Communion.

I love this movie because it illustrates the grace God has for us all, no matter how we hurt each other. God sees all the places in our hearts.

Melancholy Baby

Some days you wake up with the feeling trouble is lurking at your door. Sorrow waits in the shadows, ready to ruin your day. Memories of past failures roll through your mind like an old news reel. Most of the time you can push it down and run away. Sometimes, though, the darkness swallows you up before you can take a breath. I think this might be one of those days.

If I were an old blues singer this would be the perfect opportunity. But, I'm just an old woman. If I were a drunk, I would have the perfect excuse, but you can be too sad for alcohol to have any affect.

I know this won't last forever, I'll be OK again soon.

I remember the first Christmas after we lost Lauren. I thought, if we can just get through this, not realizing how long, cold and empty January and February would be. But every month or season has something to remind me of who Ive lost. I guess this is just my life now.

Does that make me crazy?

Good Housekeeping

I had a pretty good day off. It's been a while since Ive had any time alone so I tried to make the best of it.
I cleaned my house from top to bottom. I know it sounds crazy but I enjoy house work. I put on music, light candles and go to work. The only thing is I have to be alone to do it, otherwise I get distracted or people just get in my way. My dream career is to be a housewife.
I worked until Eric was born. I loved being a stay at home mom but after my youngest, Lauren, started to school I found I didn't have enough to keep me busy and diaper commercials made me cry. Seriously, I missed having a baby to take care of. I think I might have had ten had my husband let me.
Someone sent me an email the other day that was one of those Maxine things. It was Maxine verses Martha (Stewart). Martha would have some housekeeping tip and Maxine would add the sarcasm. It was funny but my friend and I were just interested in the tips. Did you know if you over salt a dish you can put a piece of bread in it while it's still cooking and the bread will absorb the salt? That's a great tip.
Another work friend and I can have whole conversations about laundry, how to make it smell really good and how much we love the smell. And there is something about putting freshly folded towels away while they are still warm. ahhh........

Happy Birthday to the King

Someone told me the other day, that it was Elvis's birthday, and he would have been 75. What's hard to believe is, I thought he was old when he died at 42. Now I know he was younger than I am now. How can that be? Where did the time go? In my mind I am still 19. My kids are older than I am now.

I was asked today if I was a flower child in my youth. No, I am not that old. I was 10 or 11 when Woodstock happened. My generation had nothing to protest. The war was over and we could vote and drink at eighteen. We had no complaints, we just wanted to get high and we were honest about it.

I watched the Woodstock movie on TV the other night and looking out over the sea of kids I couldn't help but wonder how they grew up. I mean what did they become? Did they become people who could change the world or are they getting a government check every month because they fried their brains and never learned how to take care of themselves? I had a lot of fun in the 70's but I'm glad I lived through it and it is over.

Poor Elvis. How sad to die alone, stoned on a toilet.

Random Thoughts On Names

I was thinking about names today. You know, why parents choose to name their kids what they name them. There is a whole chapter on this in Freekanomics, a book I highly recommend. It talks about the names used by different social classes and races of people ,and it's a little harsh at times, but sadly, true. This book also addresses abortion and it's effect on the crime rate in this country. I didn't like what the author was saying, seeing as how I am pro life, but it did make me think.

Anyway back to names. There are a lot of made up names these days. I think these names are possibly created over a game of Scrabble and a bottle of Tequila, but they seem to be the trend. I feel sorry for the kindergarten teachers trying to teach little ones how to spell their names and learn phonics at the same time. But what do I know, phonics may be old school by now.

Another trend is the use of old names from the Bible and history books. I can't tell you how many Hannahs I know under the age of six.

I like the name Mary Celeste.I heard a story about a ship named the Mary Celeste. It's entire crew disappeared in 1872 and was never seen or heard from again. The ship didn't appear to have been damaged in any way. Maybe everyone knows this story, but I only heard it recently. I thought If I were to name a little girl today I would name her Mary Celeste.

Some of the old names I just can't imagine using. How do you look at a beautiful baby boy and say I'll call him Orville, or Wilbur? And what about Claude? That's a rock made from dried mud that you throw at someone in a clod fight. Clod fights are very dangerous, by the way. Just ask my brother Doyce. He was hit in the eye with a clod and had to wear a patch over his eye and Mother put drops in it every day. I was very young when this happened and the impact was great. A few years later he had me convinced he had a glass eye. I was looking at his eyes and saying "yeah I can see the difference".

A person or situation can make you feel differently about a name, as in the name Florence. Florence is a city in Italy. Florence Henderson was Carol Brady on the Brady Bunch. But to me Florence will always be a crazy old lady who laughed like a witch and carried a water pail around the neighborhood I grew up in.

I know a very young lady who's father named her Lucille after Lucille Ball. I suggested she tell people she was named after BB King's guitar and now suddenly the name Lucille seems cool. I don't know, I'm just sayin'....

Waiting For The Sun To Shine

Now that Christmas is behind us, can we just go ahead and have spring? What happened to "Global Warming"? I'm tired of being cold and these unexpected snows are no longer a delightful surprise. El Ni no has got to go.

This week I read a great book that gave me nightmares. It's called The Lovely Bones and it's going to be a movie. It's written from the perspective of a young girl who was murdered in the 70's. She is watching her family deal with her death while trying to catch the man who killed her. I highly recommend it.

We saw the new Sherlock Holmes movie yesterday and I loved it. The plot was great the actors were wonderful and I even loved the costumes, scenery and sound track.

So, as you can see, I have found something to do with my time while longing for sunshine.