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Friday, May 18, 2012

   This morning, I was driving to work in my blue, 350Z and feeling extremely cool. My husband recently bought a new stereo for it, making my delusions of coolness even grander. So, I'm driving along, listening to Eric Clapton, E C Was Here, which has been my favorite album since it was on vinyl, wearing my shades and just chillin', as only the very cool can do. When I started to notice other drivers watching me, I thought, wow, is it possible I look as cool as I feel? But just as my ego was swelling like a pregnant teen on a hot day, I realized I had just driven the last ten blocks with my left turn signal on. Oh no, I've become one of them! All I needed was blue hair and a Chihuahua, that calls me Mommy. Old age is Hell, isn't it?
 One of the young Hispanic girls at work was trying to identify a customer. She said, "You know her, right? She's an old white lady." I told her, I didn't know all the old white ladies, but we do have a secret hand shake.
  It's Friday night and you know what that means. It's time to take out my contacts, put on some elastic waist pants and have a little wine for my arthritis while I watch the Rangers game. Old age is kind of comfortable.
 

Monday, May 7, 2012

I'm No Annie Oakley

  The other day, I was talking to Jon about the state this world is in. Rampant crime, lack of respect for life and authority and I, jokingly, said he needed to teach me to shoot. To my surprise, he took me seriously and bought me a gun, a Glock to be specific.
 Now, you should know, I am terribly afraid of guns. When I was a little girl, my sister lived in Washington DC, and on one of her trips home, she drove a blue 65 Mustang equipped with a pistol in the glove box, for protection. I have a very distinct memory of sitting in that car, playing with her gun, and it gives me chills. I have known so many people killed by guns, some intentionally, and that is the extent of my experience with fire arms. I never allowed Jon to have a gun until our kids had all left for college because, Lauren was a sleep walker, but also I didn't want him to "accidentally" kill me. None of that matters, as he seems to now, be stockpiling weapons like a Fox News junkie. Understand, I believe we, as Americans, have the right to bare arms, however they scare the crap out of me.
 When he showed me my new gun I was a wreck. "Please don't load that in the house. What are you pointing that at? Just put it up and let me get used to it."
  Yesterday, he asked if I wanted to ice down some beers in the pickup and drive out to the country and take target practice. I said yes, but, what I meant was yes to icing down the beers and going to the country. Well, he showed me how to load the gun, hold it, and fire it. He put a little paper target on a fence post. He had the paper target because he and his friends are crazy people who practice before they hunt and shoot cute little prairie dogs.
 I held the gun the way he showed me, lined up the target and pulled the trigger. It was loud and jerked upward in my hand. I said that scarred the ----- out of me and I was not going to do it again. He said I should try it one more time and I did, then told him I was through. I'm no cowgirl. I don't need to know how to shoot. I could never shoot a human being and I certainly wouldn't hurt an animal. I'm a woman, and we nurture. That's our thing.
 So, if I ever have an intruder, a mugger, or anyone meaning me harm, I will have to do what my mother taught me. I will nag him until his ears bleed.
 

Friday, May 4, 2012

Dot, Not Feather

  OK, so the Rangers had another tough night. Is it possible they aren't as good as I think they are?
 Actually, I blame the announcers, Tom and that new guy. Every game, they start bragging on one of the players and I think, OK, you just jinxed him, and I'm right. They did it to Holland last week and tonight it was Colby Lewis. They went on and on about how Colby has not lost a game or given up a home run this year, so, well you can guess what happened. I'm not normally superstitious, but this is baseball, and you don't want to tempt the baseball Gods, or fate, or whatever it is. I suppose it could be, that it's early in the season and Washington is just fooling around with the line up to see what will work best. But, what will work best is, he should pull a pitcher as soon as the commentators start listing all their achievements.

 Did anyone else notice in the first inning, Johnny Damon looked almost clean shaven? But, by the sixth he looked like a caveman.

 When I look at the Indian's logo, I have to wonder, how is it not offensive? I mean the little red face with the feather, that's awful. And, it's not an Indian. It's a Native American. They should be wearing turbins.
 It's gonna be a long season.......


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Dalai Loves W

 Did you see where Piers Morgan interviewed the Dalai Lama? He asked him about our leaders and he said he loved George W. Bush. Go figure, huh?

 Crazy stuff is happening all around us. From drunk grandparents towing their 5 yr old grandchild in a toy car behind their SUV, to dolphins being bullied by other dolphins, these are the strange headlines of the day. My favorite being, the Florida golfer dragged away by a nine foot alligator. I know it's not funny, but I never knew a golfer who would let a thing like that interfere with his game.

  But, by far, the craziest thing to happen in my world today, is the Texas Rangers were defeated two days in a row by a stinkin' Canadian team. How is Canada even able to be a part of  MLB, much less, the American League? They should be playing Iceland or Norway. We cannot continue to let them sneak across our border and infiltrate our vending machines with those odd coins. You just don't know how annoying it is to brake a roll of dimes and find one with the queens profile. It's not worth ten cents.

  Don't try to make sense of it, folks. I'm just venting.


  

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A wife, mother, and spoiler of small dogs, I grew up in a small West Texas town, with my eyes full of sand, and my heart full of joy.


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