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Saturday, June 9, 2012

The New Normal

  I spent the day trying to feel normal again. I worked in the yard, floated in the pool, played with the dogs, and broke down and cried every time I found myself alone.
 Recently someone who had lost a pet said it was like losing a child. I thought to myself, no it's not. Now I can say, It's not quite as bad. The one thing that makes it worse is, everyone, including yourself, expects you to get over it and move on.
  I feel guilty for all the things I didn't do for Darnell. I hate that I didn't realize he was sick sooner. The day i drove him to the vet, he sat in his seat, looking out the window, so happy. Darnell always loved riding in the car. I should have taken him for more rides.
  Now, when I look out my kitchen window, he is not in the yard playing. When I sit on the swing, he doesn't climb in my lap. He is not there to rock with me, his head on my chest, sad dachshund eyes looking up at me, with love and gratitude.
  The night after Darnell died, we went out to dinner. I was not hungry and could barely choke any thing down. The waitress brought Jon this huge plate of everything greasy and fried, that he should not eat. Suddenly, I had a bit of a panic attack and thought, soon, I will be completely alone. everyone and everything, I love will die and leave me alone on this planet.
  Is fear my new normal?

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A wife, mother, and spoiler of small dogs, I grew up in a small West Texas town, with my eyes full of sand, and my heart full of joy.


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