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Thursday, November 10, 2011

Hard Days

 I have been doing well, lately, to focus on what I have, rather than what I have lost. My spirits have been high and I have had opportunities to see old friends and family. But, I don't sleep much. I've had a lot of back pain, especially at night, and it's a long wait until I see the pain management doctor.
 Last night was especially hard. After taking enough pain meds to induce a coma, I finally fell off to sleep. And I dreamed.
 I dreamed I was shopping with Lauren in an unfamiliar mall. We were talking and laughing and it was so real, like I was really spending time with Lauren. Then she went to try on something and I lost her. I looked all over, but couldn't find her. Then, I had a thought. I could call her. I heard a phone ringing and knew it was hers and it was in my purse. I went home very unhappy and told Jon what had happened. He said she had been gone for so long the battery on her phone should be dead. I realized in that instant, that I was never going to find her. Then, I woke up and knew I did not want to face this day. I turned the alarm off, stayed still and cried a little.
 At my reunion, I was talking with a friend, Galen, who lost his son a short time before Lauren died. Another friend asked the two of us how we were able to go on with our lives and not become bitter. Galen just stood quietly and said nothing. I knew he was hurting, so I wasn't sure what to say. I just said I didn't have anyone to blame, so it might be easier for me.The thing is, I had much more to say, but I just couldn't find the words.
 I saw a program on PBS about the affects of war on women in the world today. I saw women who had lost their entire family. And I just thought, who am I, to think I should be protected from the same loss and pain a million other women will suffer today? The only difference between us is Hope.
 I'm having a bad day. My heart hurts and I'd like to pull the covers over my head. But I have Hope.

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A wife, mother, and spoiler of small dogs, I grew up in a small West Texas town, with my eyes full of sand, and my heart full of joy.


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