Last night was especially hard. After taking enough pain meds to induce a coma, I finally fell off to sleep. And I dreamed.
I dreamed I was shopping with Lauren in an unfamiliar mall. We were talking and laughing and it was so real, like I was really spending time with Lauren. Then she went to try on something and I lost her. I looked all over, but couldn't find her. Then, I had a thought. I could call her. I heard a phone ringing and knew it was hers and it was in my purse. I went home very unhappy and told Jon what had happened. He said she had been gone for so long the battery on her phone should be dead. I realized in that instant, that I was never going to find her. Then, I woke up and knew I did not want to face this day. I turned the alarm off, stayed still and cried a little.
I saw a program on PBS about the affects of war on women in the world today. I saw women who had lost their entire family. And I just thought, who am I, to think I should be protected from the same loss and pain a million other women will suffer today? The only difference between us is Hope.
I'm having a bad day. My heart hurts and I'd like to pull the covers over my head. But I have Hope.