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Friday, March 25, 2011

Dead Boyfriends

My girls used to tell me all my stories end with, "and he died". Sometimes it seems to be true. Well, here's another one.
Looking back I probably had more boyfriends than what is considered normal. I don't know why. Maybe it's my nature to fall in and out of love with people as quickly as I do a new pair of shoes or really cool earrings. I'm not saying this is something to be proud of, by any means. A life like that tends to be littered with broken hearts and too many trips to Goodwill. Anyway for a time it seemed like those old boyfriends were dropping like flies. I can think of five who were gone before they turned 30. It's hard to know how to feel. If we were still friends, I grieved like anyone else. If not, I think I just tried not to think about it.
The thing is, not all relationships are deep. But then there is that one guy. The one I have referred to as "the man who tried to ruin my life". He made me as miserable as he made me happy. I waisted a million tears over him and when it was over it was like coming back from the dead. The last time I saw him, we spoke kind words and even apologized for what we had put each other through.
Over the years I have wondered where he was, now and then, but tried not to think about it too much. I would say horrible things like, I'm sure someones husband has killed him by now. The other day I was reading some newspapers online and saw his father's obituary. I read through to the survivors looking for his name, but he was not listed. Then, I saw it under the words, Proceeded in death by. I was shocked. He and his little brother had both died. I googled his name and found his obituary. He had died in 2006 just 3 weeks before my daughter. He was not married and had no children.
I feel so sad. I always thought we would run into each other some day and talk about our lives like in that Dan Folgelberg song, Same Old Lang Syne. And oh yes , he would hate that song. I have not let myself remember him for so long, and now I can't stop the memories.
I should have been praying for him all these years, instead of saying such terrible things. I wonder how he died. I wonder if he ever knew Jesus, and will I see him in heaven. I wonder if I should delete this post.

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A wife, mother, and spoiler of small dogs, I grew up in a small West Texas town, with my eyes full of sand, and my heart full of joy.


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