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Monday, June 20, 2011

Still Missing You

We lost Lauren 5 years ago Friday. It doesn't seem possible. I look at pictures like this one, and it feels like she should be in the next room watching the Rangers play. I see that Gieco commercial, the one about, "Hey you woodchucks, quit chuckin' my wood!", and I can almost hear her laugh. She would think that was so funny.
But the truth is, I haven't seen her in five years, not really. I mean I see her in my dreams almost on a daily basis. But even in my dreams, I know it's not real. If I dream about her being a baby, I'm thinking, how can I protect her better so she never leaves me. If she's grown, it's like I know it's a dream. Crazy, I know, but I'm crazy since she's been gone. I just cant quite get a grip.
I took pink and orange flowers to the cemetery, Friday, and sat and talked to her for a long time. I told her all about Sarah and Jonathon, and Eric and Denice. I talked to  her about the Rangers and about this terrible drought we are in, and the wild fires burning up Texas. I know she's not there, but maybe she knows what I'm saying.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and again, I remember sitting with her in the funeral home on my birthday five years ago, not believing what was happening. I wonder how many more birthdays  will have before I'm with her again.

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A wife, mother, and spoiler of small dogs, I grew up in a small West Texas town, with my eyes full of sand, and my heart full of joy.


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